Things Happen in Threes?

Ah, the quick escape to post before the son (who is currently inspecting the flooring to see if it can be peeled off the ground) realizes that I am no longer in the room to watch his antics.

The day starts with son sleeping in to the glorious tone of 8:45 am. I am sure I will pay for this later when I absolutely need to put him down for his afternoon nap. Can't have our cake and eat it too.

Son eats breakfast of his usual hated cereal; making faces the whole time and trying to escape the impending doom of the spoon. Mom cleans him up and proceeds to do housework.

Not long after (seconds later), gawd awful sounds erupt from kitchen. I then race upstairs to see what sort of disaster has occurred and find Cao, mop in hand, whole bucket of water spilt on floor, soaking wet head to toe in dirty mop water, and screaming violently cause the water was a hell of a lot colder than he was expecting.

Upon rescue and a warm bath, he is currently roaming the kitchen to inflict disaster on the world.

As it stands at this exact moment, this is the first trouble for the day. I am currently seeking to avoid the consequences of the chaos law for the rest of the day. Predicted success, hopeful?

-Second Troubles-

Just when I thought this post was through. Thudding sounds in kitchen without the sound of child screaming. Very suspicious indeed. Cao was discovered in high chair by mother.

He had dragged a chair over to his high chair, climbed onto the chair into the high chair, promptly pulled off the large wall unit containing the calendar and threw it on the floor. Ten month old son is currently unremorseful even after mother tells him that what he did is bad. Admonishment was greeted by a series of baby babbles and giggles.

I am simply not scary enough to discipline. Dog is currently better at discipline by a series of low growls and barks.

What the F?

-Van Gogh Strikes Again-

Our tenants have left permanently. In their wake, they have left a suite that needs to be repainted AGAIN. Nevermind that I painted it less than 6 months ago. The little bastards damaged the walls so bad that it looks like 5-6 years worth of damage. I am even reduced to being the maid as I scrape off somthing that looks sticky (I ain't touching it) and covers the walls from the ceiling to the floor and over a surface area of about 7 ft. There is even food on the ceilings! How the hell did food get on the ceilings? Were they trying to leave leftovers in visible places so they didn't starve? We are adults...please people...... explain this to me? So, I have spent my whole days/nights painting something that shouldn't of needed painting in the first place.

Note to those who need a kick in the ass to get rennovations done. This can be accomplished by the following steps.

1. Place ad stating suite for rent.
2. Rent suite out to innocent teens.
3. Please note that no teen is innocent. They are all stupid, @#$%$ bastards. (They can't help it, they are ruled by hormones not brains...that's under the assumption that they have grey matter to begin with and they don't.)
4. Let teen tenants push every last button you have til the end result is eviction. That is glorious sanity.
5. Teens destroy your suite and leave.
6. You are now kicked violently in the ass and other hurtful places, cause now you have to fix the damage in a blick of an eye cause the next ass'ole tenants are going to move in....like tommorow.
7. Commit suicide....that's the only way you get out of this vicious cycle and your mortgage payments.

Please be aware that if you are a teen and reading this....beware, us adults don't like you at all. The only reason you aren't eliminated out of the food chain by us is that eventually through constant beatings do you turn out to be normal adults. This assumes that you don't eliminate yourself through your own stupidity, drugs, speeding vehicles and jail time.

For those who would like to point out the fact that I have a child of my own. I am currently conducting bizzare scientific experiments to try to eliminate the fact that he may need to go through said teenage stage. Current success predicted. None. Boarding school may be the way to go. Then university residence. etc.

I Got Me Some Chickens for Sale. Want One?

My msn conversation with my husband today. A demonstration on how boredom destroys us all.

Husband: Hmm, what would you put on a chicken poster?
Me: A chicken

Husband: pic of a chicken?
Me: No, a real one. It should get the point across.

Husband: On a poster? wtf?
Me: With a sign saying "for sale" and "all organic" And organic it will look after a few days.

Husband: UM, thanks for all the help. I will go and never bother you again
Me: Heh. You asked. It would remove more than a few mechanics out of your vicinity

Me: Hmmm, how about "Organic chicken for sale. Island Bred. Soon to be boat chicken to be immigrated to your doorstep. Visa not necessary. Consume immediately."
Husband: Heheheh

Me: or "Godzilla sized chickens plucked for your convience....see man at desk who has consumed way too much coffee in the span of microseconds."
or "Chickens for sale. Beheaded at your request by SCA certified butcher. Bring your own sword to the vile death of chicken and get a discount."
Husband: BUAHAHAHAH

Husband: I am so posting that last one to the list
Me: Take care, I think you may end up violating your wife's own copyright laws......

Husband: yes? BAH. You copyrighted nothing!

And We Called Him Fuzzy?

10:46 pm - Parental units crawl into bed. Cao who has been sleeping blissfully for the past three hours wakes up.

10:50 pm - Parental units crawl out of bed and into the spare bed for some peace and quiet....all the while praying to God that the child goes back to sleep.

1:06 am - Wife wakes up to the sounds of a child screaming and goes to rescue him. Upon crawling into own bed, she then discovers a very wet spot on the bed. Husband also joins wife on bed by flopping down unconcious.

1:07 am - Fluffy, STUPID pomeranian in hiding under bed. Suspicious wife examines spot, AFTER she has laid down on it. Suspicions confirmed. Wet dog leftovers.

1:20 am - Stain removed from brand new mattress set. Over three hundred dollar value comforter set that has to be washed, which will require the whole day of my time.

Today - Dog still alive, but currently very unforgiven.

Three Ring Circus

-If only we were dolphins-

Three days of no sleep. Two days of coffee deprivation due to my being too tired to put the coffee on. Who knows how long I have dealt with Cao being sick. It is easy to lose track when one gets only an hour of sleep per night.

It wasn't until this morning that I found my bottle of children's cold tylenol formula. A blessing from heaven. Cao napped three hours straight this morning. It was either due to the tylenol or from him staying up all night long for the past several days. Who knows? Whatever it was....it worked.

However, three hours later - Cao was bouncing off walls and *sigh* literally chairs. Which happened right in front of me. I was too deprived of caffeine and sleep to make the save thus preventing him from cratering onto the floor. Tears of agony and pain were soothed away quickly tho and the offending chairs were removed from the vicinity of climber baby. Who of course started to scream anew due to his fav climbing obstacles being removed. Can't win can I?

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- Did you do that?-

Currently a question that I ask our brainless pomeranian as he has gone on a "I won't do my business outside" strike. Rotten beastie.

For the past week, I have fallen victim to cleaning up dog shit daily off my living room floor. Now he no longer waits for me to ask him: "Did you do that?".

Noooo. All I have to do is set foot into my living room and he books it to his favorite hiding spot and disappears permanently for the entire day.

So permanently that I cannot coax him out from under the furniture he is hiding under to get him outside. This results with him peeing on my laundry basket full of clean clothes. Murphy should of been shot when he came up with his law.


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-The good news-

The tenants inform me that they are moving out long before the first of next month.
Mother inlaw and husband inform me that they probably won't get a cent of the damage deposit back. There is justice in the world afterall.

My Little Wookie

2:30 pm naptime for Caolán, except an hour later he is still rolling around in his blankets, turning his aquarium on and off (thank god the fish are plastic), and humming to himself in with his usual high pitched and remarkably wookie sounding voice. I am tempted to throw in the towel when it comes to trying to get him to go down for his naps.

Though after letting him wear himself haggard once, I quickly fell victim to screams of agony from a child that had gone far to long without any rest. My reward in the end was staying up an entire night trying to get an overwraught, adrenaline pumped, noisy babe to sleep.

After learning this lesson once and despite all temptations to throw in the towel, I continue to struggle to get nap times re-established. This usually involves my tucking him in (with him squirming to escape), plugging the glorious mouth plug aka soother, and dashing out the bedroom door before he stands up and lunges for any physical purchase on mommy, thusly escaping his crib. My success rate currently stands around 50% for blissful, quiet escape.

However, on multiple ocassions when I have escaped with success, I am always called to the rescue as cute munchkin usually manages to fill his diaper accentuated by noxious odors. I think he does it on purpose. Husband always laughs when I message him at work about our escapades. Little does he know.

Electrifying Converts

15 days left to go and the madness ends.....wait have I said that before?

Today I am out gardening and unfortunately listening to the blaring music of my very VERY young teenage tenant. It is so loud I can not only sing along to the words upstairs in my house but also outside anywhere within the region of 10 blocks away.

Note: The downstairs suite was soundproof....but I found out that can't possibly be true. I think the soundproofing had an expiry date of hmmm, when it was finally all put in and drywalled over.

Then to my luck? the power cuts out to the suite. I find this out after a crying, insane teenager yells at me to fix it. Surprised at her response I replied back stating how was I to know anything about the state of her power? I had power in my own house. So dragging my feet I replied that I would phone my husband, which I do....and then return to gardening. There was no way I was going to mess with electricity. I got electrocuted once....a gift from a younger brother who thought it would be a good prank. The bastard.

Sure enough minutes later, she is freaking out again. This time she is shouting that I am out to get her. My first reaction and statement was that I couldn't be bothered. Of course I managed to lose my cool (Irish temper) and started to shout back. Her response is to slam the door and bawl her eyes out. Sucks when the world can't always go your way. Kids.

Eventually, I muster the courage to look at the power boxes throughout the house. Electrician was on drugs when he wired the place....most wasn't wired like we requested. So boxes are wired in strange ways. I fiddled with switches snapping them on and off, eventually I work it down to an unlabeled switch....and sure enough was treated to an arch of electricity bolting out of the box. Nearly electrocuting myself again...I return the power to her.

But like usual the ungrateful wench rails on about how we are so mean to her. Mean? Hah, like I am the one cranking the music, destroying the suite, and smoking out the landlords with illegal drugs. Pftt!

Hours later, and after I let her get her million words out and after myself pointing out the obvious, I convert her into promising to be a polite tenant until her eviction date comes up. Like that is going to happen. But hey, I'll give anything a shot for some peace and quiet.

Patience? Are You Kidding?

Twenty-two days to go, hopefully to the realm of sanity. I must admit that on occasions that I am not a patient woman; in fact when it comes to young teenagers living in our downstairs suite....none. All patience leaves me at terminal velocity. Worse yet is the inability to discipline the wannabe adults. Evicting them out of our suite just doesn't seem enough at times. However, despite my husband's evil eye and restraining words, in a blind rage I clarified the world to the delinquents last night after their early morning stunt of waking one of my other tenants and demanding to know if their rent cheque had been deposited.

A simple question to be sure, with an easy answer, but my ire was raised when my hapless tenant after a long night shift had strips torn off her by a young, manner-less, trailer-trash teen. How on earth was she privy to such information anyways?

It is not their fault that they were raised in an appalling and stagnant environment, however the lack of will to better themselves now that they have their chance is saddening. Down they fall into the repeating pitfalls of abuse, alcohol and drugs. Worse yet is that I know they are aware of it.

Alas, despite last night's head on argument, I know I am in for a month of teenage retaliation...Ie. Drugs on my doorstep, pounding subwoofers, and childlike attitudes and behaviors. I only hope that our next tenants are a little more respectable.

As for other matters, my maternity leave is slowly grinding to a halt. Soon I am back to the realm of kids for prolonged periods of time. Ironically, I do not dread this. After a year break from little ones crawling up my pantlegs and dealing with an employer who is only partially on our plane of reality....I look forward to the change of pace. It will give me a break from all day house monotony and will enable my munchkin to have more one-on-one time with his dad. The two of them will probably get into all kinds of unsupervised trouble. It will be good.

Ack, gazing into the last dredges of my coffee cup, I must abandon this post as I no longer have the copious amounts of coffee needed to sustain further writing. Adieu to all and good day. Further updates later.

Hello, It's Been Awhile.

It has been awhile since I have managed to claim some time to myself for posting in my journal, etc. After the trip to Clinton for an SCA event my house has spiralled downwards into an mess. A mess that has taken almost a week to clean up. The amount of garb that I have had to clean broaches insanity. However, I have finally conquered all the laundry, and all the fussy to clean garb has been packed up til the next event. Which is just around the corner. Lucky me.

Cao has finally explored the concept of walking and has decided that crawling is no longer for him. Now he toddles around at a drunken tilt.....which on occassion has been at alarming speeds, much to the dismay of the cats. Nothing is safe, not even the kitchen table....as he has discovered how to pull himself up onto a chair with pudgy baby fingers straining like a rockclimber. He has also figured out how to pull off his diaper and poo paint. A stunt that he pulled off in the wee hours of a sunday morning...with father in bed sound asleep and myself asleep downstairs away from the baby squeals. When my husband woke up, he freaked out and ran downstairs to drag a bedraggled, sleep deprived woman from under the covers to witness the horror. I still gag just thinking about the amount of fecal matter we had to scrap off the nooks and crannies of his crib. It took a long time for us to air out the room. Least the munchkin was easier to clean....two baths later.

As for the rest of my life currently? Meh, I survive.

Bring the Marshmallows

This morning I discovered that the house was nearly in flames last night due to someone leaving a cigarette butt in a plastic 'ashtray?' on a wood table leaning against the house......which caught fire and burned for most of the night. Scary part was that both I and my mother inlaw searched the house looking for the source of all the smoke, then deciding that it was either someone's house was on fire or someone was burning something in their fireplace......and then going to bed. We were so close to losing our entire house that it is terrifying. Worse was going to bed, waking up, and then realizing that out of pure dumb luck that my son and myself are alive. I must of had guardian angels on the lookout for us and for which I am eternally gratefull.